Without the Mask

 This is my first review of a non-fiction book.  So please bear with me.  

Without the Mask came into the bookstore where I work, I thought it was just another book.  I don't normally read inspirational/non-fiction.  When I do I have to re-evaluate my life and do that changing thing. It pushes me out of my comfort zone.  I figure my life is hectic and crazy enough with out adding to my need to make changes.  But something drew me to this book.  Maybe it was the blurb in the front from Alyson Deussen, Maybe is was the fact I was one of the 60,000 fans cheering Cosmo the Cougar in Cougar stadium.  I don't know, but I was drawn to it.

I started reading this book and found myself drawn into Charlie Bird's life.  My heart broke for him when reading about his early experiences.  But my heart soared with him when he "came out" to his family and found love and acceptance there.  The thing that I find interesting about this book is the road Charlie has to traverse is not that much different than the road that most people have to traverse.  The way he has to find out God's plan for him, is the same way we all have to find God's plan for ourselves.  The principles he teaches us in finding his way help us to, not only be more understanding and accepting of other people, but also of ourselves.  We each need to be more sensitive to the feelings of others.   

I had a best friend in high school, his name was Rhett.  He was handsome, kind, giving, caring, funny.  We got along very well.  I had the biggest crush on him.  He was in choir with me, he also was a clogger, and the just about the best dancer around.  He honored his Priesthood and was on Seminary council. I wanted so much to go out with him.  He did give me a kiss on my birthday, but he never did ask me out.   I didn't know why.  I found out after he died, some 20 years ago now, that Rhett was gay.  I'd like to think my 17 year old self would have been a support to him if he'd told me.  But it was Utah County in the 70's, no one would admit to being anything out of the "normal".  The funny thing is I don't think there has ever been a thing called "normal".  Everyone is carrying a burden, everyone needs a support group. 

I loved this book.  Charlie Bird is an inspiration. I applaud his courage and willingness to share his life with us. 

Amazon reviews blocked

Amazon is still arbitrarily blocking my reviews.  With no apparent reason, at least that they are willing to share with me.  I will still keep at it though, many indy authors, which I am one, depend on reviews to get their names out there.  So if only for my fellow authors you will still see reviews from me even if it only here on my blog.  I hope you will tell your friends about my blog, and if there is a book you would like me to review please leave a comment here.

Happy Reading and have a great day!!!!

Why Am I Doing This?

My blogs are read by very few people, and that's okay.  My books are read by very few people.  Most of which are good friends who would buy whatever I write just becauce I wrote it.  Not because it is any good.  I have never had any reason to believe I was a good writer.  In fact I have actually given my books to my family as gifts and most of them have never opened the cover.  I write because something inside of me tells me that's what I need to do.  Except evertime I finish a book by one of my favorite authors I realize my abilities are no where near theirs.   I write because it gives me a creative outlet and let's me think I can tell a good story.  My latest work was started a year and half ago and is only at chapter 11.  No one is clamoring for my work except my inner demons.   If I am one of the few people that buy my work then I guess I need to be okay with that.  Selling books is not the reason I write.  But lately I haven't been writing at all.  My outer demons have been shouting down my inner ones.  Life gets in the way of my writing and instead of it being my outlet, it becomes something I have to do instead of something I want to do.

My plan when I started down this road a few years ago was to write four books and then see where it led.  I didn't expect it to lead to nowhere.  I feel like my muse is dead and I was a fool for ever starting down this path.  I want writing to be something I can't wait to do instead of something that keeps nagging at me to finish.  I don't know why I'm telling you all of this except that I need to get this out and no one will read it anyway.

My main motivation for writing is to help people escape thier lives for a minute.  I guess blogging about my life experiences holds the same hope.  To let people know if they feel all alone in the world they aren't.

I hope I find the courage to finish my fourth novel and my first ever novella, but just for me not because I expect anyone else to like it.

Until next time.

Everyone Needs a Vacation

Everyone needs time to recharge.  To relax and take some time for themselves.  Growing up my family didn't take a lot of vacations.  I can only remember two all the time growing up.  We lived on a farm with livestock.  It's not like we could call a neighbor and have them come puppy sit, nor could we kennel the cattle.  It's just something I learned to live with growing up. 

My children definitely grew up differently.  We went to visit my husbands family in Florida so many times our children begged us on our last trip if we could please do something besides Disney World.  We went beach hopping along the gulf stream instead.  It was a great time.

I read all kinds of Facebook posts about where everyone is going.  They take trips to Europe, to Hawaii, to Fiji, on cruises, all very exotic places.  The last extended trip I went on was not very enjoyable.  We flew back to Florida to visit family but for a very different reason.  My father in law was dying.  We sat around as a family talking of happier times, fun memories, then after ten days he passed.  That was eight years ago.  I haven't taken a trip since. 

We all need time to recharge.  Life is hard and giving yourself time off is healthy, and should be encouraged. 

Maybe someday it will be my turn.  Until then I will find happiness and joy in the little things.


Until next time.

Life Is Ever Changing

Just when you think you've got things figured out, life throws you a curve ball.  This week my mother went into the hospital. She fell in her home and had to be sent to the hospital by ambulance.  The doctor told us she would not be able to live on her own ever again.  

It's difficult to watch your people you love age.  I don't feel like I'm fifty six, but there you are.  I am the youngest in my family.  I remember so much of when I was growing up.  My father was not really home a lot when I was a kid.  He was in Okinawa during the Viet Nam war.  He did three tours of duty.  As I got older he was still employed by the government and was away a lot.  My mother raised six children mostly on her own.  She is the strongest woman I know.  She had to bear the burden of  raising us all through our teen years.  They were still married, but Dad traveled an hour and a half each way to work.  Life went on my oldest sister moved away from home when I was just four.  She was the glamorous one.  My oldest brother was always the champion. Then came my second brother he was the kind one.  My third brother was the jokster.   My second sister came next.  She was the most like our mom.  Willful, strong like my mom.  She was the one I fought with but also she would never let anyone else pick on me. Then came me I'm the baby of the family.  I had an interesting perspective growing up.  I got to watch all of my brothers and grow up get married and have families.  I witnessed their joys and sorrows, their triumphs and their mistakes.  They have all changed and grown older.  Each year brings about more change in all of our lives.  I have seen my brothers and sisters families grow and have children of their own.  My own children are growing up, my youngest is now eighteen.  

Life is passing so quickly, as I said before I don't really feel like I'm fifty six I feel more like forty something.  They say forty is the new fifty. I hope that's true, because the older I get the more things I want to accomplish.  There is still so much more for me to do.  I feel like time is passing swiftly but I'm beginning to slow down.  But I refuse to give up with out a fight.  I will ride in a one hundred mile bicycle ride this year.  I will finish my fourth and start my fifth novel this year.  I will finish my garden spots.  I will help with the care of my mother.  I will be a better wife and mother.   

Life is ever changing and asking more of me, but I am determined to not give up.  I wish all of you find the joy you seek in life.  Life may be ever changing but then again so are we.  

Until next time.

What Is True Failure

My father was the king of responsibility and my mother the queen of guilt. That was my childhood. I'm a religious woman and I'd like to think I go to church for only the best reasons.  But I do have to admit that there is a small part of me that says unless I'm on my death bed I will be in church. With my mothers voice ringing in my ears. 

So imagine what it was like when I heard my father say "I expected more of you than that."  Or my mother's "Why can't you be more like your sister."  Not kidding they actually said those things.  So how do I gauge success and failure without a skewed sense of self worth. 

I graduated high school but not college, many excuses but no actual reasons.  I did go on a mission for my church, one of my shining moments in my parents eyes.  But more importantly one of the best decisions I have made for myself.  I married later than was appropriate for my home town, I adopted my oldest, who has been a definite blessing to me, then I had my youngest the biological way also a definite blessing in my life.  But then to my mothers dismay had a tubal ligation at 40.  After raising two wonderful children I started my writing career.  After writing my second novel my mothers said I'm glad you finally did something your sister didn't.  What?!

My father passed away not long after that so I helped in the care of my mother.  I then started to work a second job to help with the college bills of my daughter.  She is a wonderful adult, but my mother was angry I couldn't spend more time with her, taking care of her errands.  So again failure.  Now as I struggle with my fourth book.  It's taken me more than eighteen months and I have still not completed it.  Failure.

Every January I go through a self introspection.  I look at what I did last year that I want to change and look forward hoping I can overcome what I have failed at. 

I think that would be true failure.  To sit back and say I can't change anything, I can't do any better. 

I don't happen to think that is true.  I know you should always look for ways to improve.  Look to make your life better.  I am not in control over anyone or anything but myself.  I can make my life better even if circumstances are not in my favor.  I can control my action and reaction.  So as I set goals for the year the only person I need to impress is myself. 


Until next time. 

Inspirations Comes From Anywhere

I know it has been quite awhile since the last time I posted.  I don't even know if anyone is still receiving my posts anymore.  That being said, I want to share some morning inspiration with you. 

A few weeks ago my children ran to the store to buy paper towels.  I don't know if the ones they picked up were chosen on purpose or just by accident.  I don't know why, but saying on the towels hit me this morning.  I have been using them for weeks and now just noticed they sayings they had printed on them.  It reminded me of that show Criminal Minds, or should I say the greetings Derrick says to Penelope.  One of the sayings on the towels said, "Good Morning Beautiful" the other said, "Wake Up and be Amazing". 

What a way to start the morning.  I have been looking for some inspiration for awhile now.  Who knew I would find in on my paper towels.  So thank you to the makers of Sparkle paper towels.  You have made my day.

Go out and make someones day today.

Until next time

Never Enough Time

Most authors that I know have regular lives, and their writing is part of that life. They have publishers and dead lines, manuscript set backs, editing, re-writes. The list goes on and on. My particular set back is time. My life does not leave a lot of time for writing. Its frustrating and mostly annoying. My current project is no exception. My deadlines are self imposed and I hope not to unrealistic. Currently working on finishing by the beginning of June but that could change.

The plot lines for this project are more complex and difficult to pin down than my other three books.

Please bare with me as I work through this process.

I will leave you with this tag line: Can you find a once in a life time love, twice in a life time?

Hoping to have more for you soon.

Until next time

Be Your Best Self

When were you, your best self?  Was it sometime in the past, is it in the present, or do you look forward being better everyday hereafter?   I love this time of year, it reminds me of being a kid.  

When I was a kid I lived in a rural area where they burned the ditches to clean them out so irrigation water could flow freely.  Now when I walk out and smell the same aroma it takes me right back to when I was seven years old.  I look back now and I remember thinking life was pretty great.  I was a quiet kid, even though people who know me now can hardly believe it.  I tried hard everyday to be good and listen to my parents.  You know maybe that was when I was my best self.  

Growing up, I felt the emotional bumps and bruises most people did.  I hated jr. high school, and high school wasn't that much better. I know for sure that wasn't when I was my best self.  I didn't have many friends, I didn't have great grades, my family wasn't really close.  I felt alone, a lot.  Things could have been much better.  

After high school is when I had my first boyfriend, if that's what you could call him.  He was a controlling young man who never felt I was good enough for him.  So no, I really don't think that was my best time.  

I never went to college which I have always regretted.  But  I did use that time to improve myself and hopefully become a better person.  After getting married and raising a family I look back and wonder are my best years behind me?  I always want to be my best self.  I think the trick is to learn from the past and make a bright future.  

Until next time

Surround Yourself with Greatness

I read this post earlier this week.  It reminded me of how empowering wonderful, and insightful women can be.  I count this woman as a friend of mine, she teaches at the school where I am a librarian.  I love to have friends who inspire me to want to be a better person.  I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did.


 Today I arrived late to church. I might, under normal circumstances, be annoyed at myself for “committing” such a self-proclaimed embarrassing action. Today I couldn’t care less. It’s the first time I’ve been to my relief society meeting in a long time. I was really proud of myself for making it there at all. Late is nothing compared to the alternative, of recent.

Our lesson was on humility. I listened as different women raised their hands to discuss what humility means to them. One woman raised her hand and started with, “Hi, I’m sorry, . . .” After that intro I struggled to hear what else she said. I don’t appreciate the need so many women feel to apologize for themselves. For their actions? Their words? For taking up space? What, exactly, are we (I include myself here) apologizing for?!

I apologized on Friday night. I apologized to my partner for wanting to dance with him. Let’s just let that sink in for a second. What need have I of apologizing for that? None. But I did.

So now, humility. This is an important topic for Mormons. I’ll tell you what I think it’s not. Humility is not playing small. It’s not feeling like what you have to say is unimportant. It’s not believing that your words make no difference. Humility is not apologizing, although in some circumstances it can merit that. In contrast, I think humility is something powerful.

Look at Christ’s humble life. He knew his divinity and declared it. He taught with boldness. He loved with passion, he healed, he made outlandish promises that only He could keep. He walked on water. He allowed others to love him adoringly, intensely, and imperfectly. (Clarification: He perfectly allowed others to imperfectly love Him.)

What if humility comes from knowing who you really are, from recognizing your own divine value and eternal worth and acting on that? What if humility manifests your talents, instead of hiding them? What if it drives you toward greater accomplishments, and brings you accolades? I guess what I’m getting at is that humility might be knowing just exactly how great, how powerful, and how influential you are. Maybe humility means not quieting down, but speaking up. Maybe humility embodies boldness. Christ was humble. So too, was He bold.

Maybe I’m wrong. Our station in life, which is in constant flux, acts as the filter for everything we experience. I do know this, for too long I’ve believed too many lies. The lies have told me to apologize and to play small. Today’s lesson seems to have placed me in a position to experience humility in the way Christ intended for it to be. In bold humility I’ll drink life’s experiences without apology and without shame.

Let's get personal again. I'm not sorry I wanted to dance. I'm not sorry I walked into church late. I make no apology for being me.

Ha, now that we've been through all that, maybe what I am experiencing IS actually pride. Either way, still. I make no apology for being me.

What do you think is humility?

--Bethany McGarry

Until next time

The Best of the Best

I am a sports nut.  I love watching most sports, last week the Superbowl, for the next two weeks it will be the Olympics.  Like most people I want my favorite team to win. In the case of the Olympics I want the US to do well. But what I love the most are the back stories.  What happens away from the spotlight.

How do we feel about ourselves, how do we treat others.  When you live in the spotlight your actions can be scrutinized to an extent that everyone thinks they can chime in on what they feel is acceptable. In reality just like people out of the spotlight, they are just doing the best they can.  When we start to compare ourselves to others, for the most part, we are harder on ourselves than on others.  We feel like we can always do better.  This feeling goes for our public as well as our private selves. 

It's funny, when it comes to sports, for some reason we expect perfection just as much in the spotlight as well as away for it.  We forget these athletes are just like us, they have good days and bad days.  And just like us, they hope the good days out weight the bad.  And we, like they, hope the good days happen when we need it the most. 

What makes people the best of the best?  I think when we keep trying to do our best everyday, and when we fall we keep getting back up and trying again. 


Until next time

Annoyed

Have you ever met that one person who can annoy everyone they meet?  Better question, have you ever been that person?  Sometimes I wonder about myself.  I know there are many things I do that can be considered annoying.  For some reason I pride myself on being able to recognize an actor in a movie or television show and tell you what else I've seen them in.  Then I act all smug if you disagree with me and then I have to double check IMDB and make sure I'm right.   How annoying is that? 

There is probably a good reason I spend time alone.  I love my alone time.  I love riding my bike, I love writing my book.  But I also love going to the movies alone, going to lunch alone.  I even love working at the bookstore alone.  I wonder if that's because no one can tell me I'm wrong. 

I have been trying to get over what others do that annoys me because I realize everyone is annoying to somebody.  I want to be a loving, giving, caring person.  I want to be helpful, and forgiving.  But I'm also at the time in my life where I don't always care what other people say.  It's a precarious position to be in.  My goal then is to as un-annoying as possible but still be myself.  To be as giving and caring as I can and still allow others to be themselves. 

But hey right now I just want the Eagles to win the Super Bowl!!!!!

Until next time.

I Wonder

This past week I came across a picture book.  It's a picture book about the movie Wonder.  It was a wonderful book aimed at trying to help younger children understand those people who are different from themselves.  I read it to the children at school and they loved it.

I wonder what would happen if the children of the world grew up untainted by the prejudice's of the adults in their lives.  What would the world be like if everyone actually loved others despite of their differences?  Would it be filled with love and understanding?  Would everyone be happy and self assured?  Would there be more forgiveness and meekness? 

I wonder if we will ever get there.  Will we ever try to understand someone else's point of view?  Will we ever reach out to offer a kind word to anyone with a differing viewpoint? 

That's a place I want to live.  A place where love is given unconditionally.  A place where peace abounds and everyone is considered a friend. 

My only question is how do we get there?

Until next time.

Substance

Last weekend while on my retreat I was able to edit four chapters of  my present work in progress and add 9000 words to it.  Normally at this point in the process I would be at least half way done with my manuscript.  With this book its only about a third of the way done.  I asked myself this week why.  Why is this book taking longer to write?  The only answer I could come up with is substance.

I like to think my characters are pretty well developed.  With the other books in this series the characters are young and falling in love for the first time.  They are fresh out of college, and even though they have some experience in life the feelings they have are new and always exciting.  The series is call the Broken Heart Collection because the family is trying to find a way to mend their hearts after the death of their mother and wife.  She truly was the heart of the family.  For the children it has been a difficult to live their lives without a parent. But they have been able to move on and find the person they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with.

This book however is about how their father goes on after loosing the love of his life.  The woman he planned on growing old with.  That I'm finding is a whole different level of pain.  The main characters in this story have lived through life's ups and downs, they have baggage to work through.  They don't have the option of carefree love.  When they meet and fall in love it effects more people in more ways.

I knew writing this book would be different, more difficult, but I had know idea how difficult, or that would affect me so differently.  Part of this book is based on the relationship of a dear friend who passed away, her marriage to her husband was and is truly inspirational and not just for the book.  It was a marriage where both partners were not only on the same page but on the same sentence.  I have never met anyone who had actually found what I consider a soulmate.  It has brought up many tender feelings for me.  Then the heroine of the book is based on my oldest and dearest friend.  This is a woman I have known for all of my adult life.  A woman who has known very real heartache and pain.

That's why this book is so difficult but important to me.  That's why my characters seem so real.  Because to me, the experiences they have are real.  I want to be true to those women in my life who have experienced excruciating pain and come out on top.  Who have inspired me to be a better person.  To look my trials in the eye and face them head on.

So this book is for these women and for those women who have become family.  I hope I do them justice.

Until next time. 

Compromise

I am on a writers retreat this weekend.  I usually go on retreat once a year by myself.  I take off and drive for four hours to get to a hotel room in a much warmer place than I live.  I write Friday night, all day Saturday, and again on Sunday Morning before heading home.  I like to get at least four chapters written and use this as a springboard for the next several months for writing and publish a new novel by the end of the year. 

Well last year was different.  I went on my retreat as usual wrote my four chapters was so excited and totally looking forward to publishing my novel as usual by the end of last year.  This is where it gets a my plans took a different turn. It was not a great year for me, personally.  I had some ups and downs and my head wasn't into writing mode. 

Now, because I am self published and have no advertising, and I write for myself because I enjoy it.  It is a diversion for me in my hectic life.  I love my books and my characters.  I love to see how their lives unfold.  A few people have purchased my books, not many, I'm okay with that.  If all the people I talked to about my books who say they are going to buy actually did I might sell a few more.  I hope to bring people a little happiness and maybe help them to escape their lives for only a little while.  That's why I write. 

This year however my writers retreat had to change a little bit.  Tonight I sit in my library at my home writing my book.  Funds were short this last year and I was unable to book a hotel and travel four hours to stay by myself for the weekend and work my guts out.  Fortunately for me I was able to compromise.  I'll still write this weekend. I'll just be doing it at home.  I have done what I can to help my family be comfortable and my "library" has become San Diego.  That's where my latest story takes place.  My family knows when I'm in "San Diego" I am not to be disturbed.  It's not ideal but sometime we have to compromise.  I'm happy my family is supporting me in this endeavor.  I will keep writing this weekend. I just won't have to travel to make it home tomorrow night. And I will continue to write through Tuesday.    So wish me luck and happy writing.

Until next time.

Cleaning Up and Clearing Out

I love the feeling of dejunking.  Which is unusual because I am a pack rat.  It's the whole my left brain (that is barely functioning) and my right brain are constantly battling.  Of course my right brain wins every time.  I am not a very organized person to begin with, but this week I have been making some headway in my storage room.  Okay let's face it my storage room is one half of my entire basement.  Hey now don't scoff at me, I am giving it my all.

When I do make an effort and make some headway in cleaning, throwing out and straightening it feels good.  For me this is more than a weekend project. Don't get me wrong I don't belong on that show about hoarders.  I can still some daylight and I don't have to make trails in my basement.  I just have piles of stuff here and there.  So to that end I have been straightening and organizing.  It feels great.

I suppose that is why this time of year I also make a mental inventory of what I would like to change in my life.  That also is not a weekend project. And like my project in the basement, a little at a time is a good thing.  To many drastic changes at once just leaves me overwhelmed and unable to make any headway.  In my quest to better myself I just have to remember I can be a tortoise I don't have to be a hare.

Until next time

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I'm a little early, but New Years Eve is upon us. I've always loved the New Year.  To me it represents a new start.  For many years I have looked back on the old year and set resolutions for the new year.  I have also failed  soon after for most of my resolutions.

This year I want to be different, but I'm afraid old habits may creep back into my New Years plans. I would like to just forget the past year and start fresh.  I wonder if  that will be possible.  Can we look to the future and try to improve if we don't review the past? 

I wish I knew the answer.  I am determined to see if I can't make 2018 better than 2017.  I am determined to finish my latest work in progress.  My wonderful graphic designer has finished my new book cover and I love it.  I will finish my work and have it published this year.  That is not a resolution, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

What is it you wish to change in your life?  Now is the time to get at it.


Until next time.

The Spirit of Christmas is Alive

I have worked my last shift at the store until after Christmas.  The shopping is all done, the ham is chillin' in the fridge, and I'm chillin' on the couch.  All of those things tell me it's Christmas. 

The one thing that put me over the top of finding the Spirit of Christmas was the our local high school children.  If you have been following me for any length of time, you will know that every year our local high school, the Riverton Silverwolves has a fund raiser for a local charity.  Now you wouldn't think that is a big deal, but let me explain.  The fund raiser is called Silver Rush, and begins the first week of December.  This year it started on the 2nd and ran through the 21st.  The local charity is called "Now I Can".  It's a charity that helps children with disabilities receive much needed physical therapy.  Every year the approximately 2500 teenagers provide service for contributions to the charity.  Also the activities at the high school that draw an audience ask for donations.  So almost everyone in our community in one way or another contributes funds to the selected charity.  Every year we all wait to see how much the children have collected.  The amazing thing is every year for the last few years the amount has increased.  Last year the final count was $170,000.00  This year our community raised $179,000 in 18 days.  What amazing act of charity. 

After witnessing all of this, my heart was touched and found the joy in giving and the Spirit of Christmas. 

Until next time. 

Seven Days to Find to Spirit of Christmas

Christmas is just around the corner my decorations are up, my shopping is in hand, but not finished.  I've made and mailed out my Christmas cards, and made plans to fill my house with the aromas of the season in the coming week.  I have been more focused on the reason we celebrate Christmas.  Of all the things I have done this month, the one that has helped the most with finding the Spirit of Christmas is focusing on the birth of the Savior.  

I know my family will enjoy the presents under the tree, and all the rest.  I hope that by inviting the spirit by serving others will help them the most.  With all of this preparation I have found myself less depressed this year, and even though I am tired, I can still find a reason to smile.  

So this last week before Christmas I am going to concentrate more on service to others and less on myself.  I will concentrate on being cheerful and not cheerless.  I will try to show love to others in more abundance.  

Until next time

 

Don't Confuse Compassion with Weakness

In my search for the Christmas Spirit I have discovered compassion.  Many people see compassion as a weakness, I see it as a strength.  To extend love and understanding to someone else who needs it, is a gift.

Compassion doesn't cost anything.  It is a way showing others that you care.  If given freely compassion can be as uplifting to the giver as to the receiver.  I see it in the annual fund raiser the kids at our local high school do every year.  I see it in the way my son gives money to the homeless.  I see it in the care my neighbors give of service to one another.  I see it in the as my children do things for each other whenever they are together. 

Anyone can give a gift that costs money, I think it takes effort to give someone the gift of compassion.  Although it is easier to see at this season of the year, I love seeing compassionate people all year long.

Compassion takes an extra bit of selflessness. 

Until next time.