What Is True Failure

My father was the king of responsibility and my mother the queen of guilt. That was my childhood. I'm a religious woman and I'd like to think I go to church for only the best reasons.  But I do have to admit that there is a small part of me that says unless I'm on my death bed I will be in church. With my mothers voice ringing in my ears. 

So imagine what it was like when I heard my father say "I expected more of you than that."  Or my mother's "Why can't you be more like your sister."  Not kidding they actually said those things.  So how do I gauge success and failure without a skewed sense of self worth. 

I graduated high school but not college, many excuses but no actual reasons.  I did go on a mission for my church, one of my shining moments in my parents eyes.  But more importantly one of the best decisions I have made for myself.  I married later than was appropriate for my home town, I adopted my oldest, who has been a definite blessing to me, then I had my youngest the biological way also a definite blessing in my life.  But then to my mothers dismay had a tubal ligation at 40.  After raising two wonderful children I started my writing career.  After writing my second novel my mothers said I'm glad you finally did something your sister didn't.  What?!

My father passed away not long after that so I helped in the care of my mother.  I then started to work a second job to help with the college bills of my daughter.  She is a wonderful adult, but my mother was angry I couldn't spend more time with her, taking care of her errands.  So again failure.  Now as I struggle with my fourth book.  It's taken me more than eighteen months and I have still not completed it.  Failure.

Every January I go through a self introspection.  I look at what I did last year that I want to change and look forward hoping I can overcome what I have failed at. 

I think that would be true failure.  To sit back and say I can't change anything, I can't do any better. 

I don't happen to think that is true.  I know you should always look for ways to improve.  Look to make your life better.  I am not in control over anyone or anything but myself.  I can make my life better even if circumstances are not in my favor.  I can control my action and reaction.  So as I set goals for the year the only person I need to impress is myself. 


Until next time.