Love/Hate

Has there ever been anything in your life you have a love/hate relationship with?  I mean something you know is a good thing, but whatever it is will cause some serious introspection and then cause you to create some plan of action?  Man that situation drives  me crazy.  

I think I am overall a good person.  I have many faults and too many times I fall short of my own expectations.  I have tried throughout my life to measure up to other people's expectations.  It has only been in the last few years I have come to realize how futile that is.  

I remember more than once when I was young hearing, "You have potential, you should be doing more."  Or, "You know you could get better grades if only you would apply yourself."  But "Why can't you be more like your sister?" was always my favorite.  My parents weren't bad people, they did the best with what they knew.  My childhood wasn't all bad, I was never physically or sexually abused.  Some of my friends parents believed in the adage "Spare the rod, spoil the child."  I was spanked as a child when I misbehaved, but never beaten.   I don't think as parents we try to make our children's lives miserable.  I know I could have been and still could be a better parent.  I didn't do everything right.  I hope I'm better at it than my parents and I hope my children are better at it than I am.  

So much of our lives are spent comparing ourselves to others.  And not always in mentally healthy ways.  I think it's human nature to want to better ourselves.  I just hope we do it in constructive ways.  I can sometimes still hear the echos of my parents "encouragement" in my ears.  It causes that love/hate thing I was talking about earlier.  It drives me to better myself but it also causes huge amounts of guilt to weigh me down if I don't live up to my expectations.  Don't get me wrong it helps me to get through difficult situations, my drive to not give up, or give in.  But it does cause extreme amounts of self loathing when I don't get it right.  See what I mean love/hate.  

I have wonderful friends who tell me not to be so hard on myself.  Who lift me up when I get down.  They help me to use more uplifting self talk.  But in the end it all comes down to how I feel about myself.  It's taken many years of "talking myself off the ledge" so to speak.  I know what it feels like to sink into debilitating depression.  I know what if feels like to claw my way back.  The process is never easy.  Trying to find a balance in bettering yourself and beating yourself up is tricky.    

My best advice is try seeing yourself as God sees you.  He loves us infinitely more than we can ever love ourselves.  He always wants the best for us.  More importantly He is infinitely more forgiving.  

Until next time.