Why Am I Doing This?

My blogs are read by very few people, and that's okay.  My books are read by very few people.  Most of which are good friends who would buy whatever I write just becauce I wrote it.  Not because it is any good.  I have never had any reason to believe I was a good writer.  In fact I have actually given my books to my family as gifts and most of them have never opened the cover.  I write because something inside of me tells me that's what I need to do.  Except evertime I finish a book by one of my favorite authors I realize my abilities are no where near theirs.   I write because it gives me a creative outlet and let's me think I can tell a good story.  My latest work was started a year and half ago and is only at chapter 11.  No one is clamoring for my work except my inner demons.   If I am one of the few people that buy my work then I guess I need to be okay with that.  Selling books is not the reason I write.  But lately I haven't been writing at all.  My outer demons have been shouting down my inner ones.  Life gets in the way of my writing and instead of it being my outlet, it becomes something I have to do instead of something I want to do.

My plan when I started down this road a few years ago was to write four books and then see where it led.  I didn't expect it to lead to nowhere.  I feel like my muse is dead and I was a fool for ever starting down this path.  I want writing to be something I can't wait to do instead of something that keeps nagging at me to finish.  I don't know why I'm telling you all of this except that I need to get this out and no one will read it anyway.

My main motivation for writing is to help people escape thier lives for a minute.  I guess blogging about my life experiences holds the same hope.  To let people know if they feel all alone in the world they aren't.

I hope I find the courage to finish my fourth novel and my first ever novella, but just for me not because I expect anyone else to like it.

Until next time.

Everyone Needs a Vacation

Everyone needs time to recharge.  To relax and take some time for themselves.  Growing up my family didn't take a lot of vacations.  I can only remember two all the time growing up.  We lived on a farm with livestock.  It's not like we could call a neighbor and have them come puppy sit, nor could we kennel the cattle.  It's just something I learned to live with growing up. 

My children definitely grew up differently.  We went to visit my husbands family in Florida so many times our children begged us on our last trip if we could please do something besides Disney World.  We went beach hopping along the gulf stream instead.  It was a great time.

I read all kinds of Facebook posts about where everyone is going.  They take trips to Europe, to Hawaii, to Fiji, on cruises, all very exotic places.  The last extended trip I went on was not very enjoyable.  We flew back to Florida to visit family but for a very different reason.  My father in law was dying.  We sat around as a family talking of happier times, fun memories, then after ten days he passed.  That was eight years ago.  I haven't taken a trip since. 

We all need time to recharge.  Life is hard and giving yourself time off is healthy, and should be encouraged. 

Maybe someday it will be my turn.  Until then I will find happiness and joy in the little things.


Until next time.

Life Is Ever Changing

Just when you think you've got things figured out, life throws you a curve ball.  This week my mother went into the hospital. She fell in her home and had to be sent to the hospital by ambulance.  The doctor told us she would not be able to live on her own ever again.  

It's difficult to watch your people you love age.  I don't feel like I'm fifty six, but there you are.  I am the youngest in my family.  I remember so much of when I was growing up.  My father was not really home a lot when I was a kid.  He was in Okinawa during the Viet Nam war.  He did three tours of duty.  As I got older he was still employed by the government and was away a lot.  My mother raised six children mostly on her own.  She is the strongest woman I know.  She had to bear the burden of  raising us all through our teen years.  They were still married, but Dad traveled an hour and a half each way to work.  Life went on my oldest sister moved away from home when I was just four.  She was the glamorous one.  My oldest brother was always the champion. Then came my second brother he was the kind one.  My third brother was the jokster.   My second sister came next.  She was the most like our mom.  Willful, strong like my mom.  She was the one I fought with but also she would never let anyone else pick on me. Then came me I'm the baby of the family.  I had an interesting perspective growing up.  I got to watch all of my brothers and grow up get married and have families.  I witnessed their joys and sorrows, their triumphs and their mistakes.  They have all changed and grown older.  Each year brings about more change in all of our lives.  I have seen my brothers and sisters families grow and have children of their own.  My own children are growing up, my youngest is now eighteen.  

Life is passing so quickly, as I said before I don't really feel like I'm fifty six I feel more like forty something.  They say forty is the new fifty. I hope that's true, because the older I get the more things I want to accomplish.  There is still so much more for me to do.  I feel like time is passing swiftly but I'm beginning to slow down.  But I refuse to give up with out a fight.  I will ride in a one hundred mile bicycle ride this year.  I will finish my fourth and start my fifth novel this year.  I will finish my garden spots.  I will help with the care of my mother.  I will be a better wife and mother.   

Life is ever changing and asking more of me, but I am determined to not give up.  I wish all of you find the joy you seek in life.  Life may be ever changing but then again so are we.  

Until next time.

What Is True Failure

My father was the king of responsibility and my mother the queen of guilt. That was my childhood. I'm a religious woman and I'd like to think I go to church for only the best reasons.  But I do have to admit that there is a small part of me that says unless I'm on my death bed I will be in church. With my mothers voice ringing in my ears. 

So imagine what it was like when I heard my father say "I expected more of you than that."  Or my mother's "Why can't you be more like your sister."  Not kidding they actually said those things.  So how do I gauge success and failure without a skewed sense of self worth. 

I graduated high school but not college, many excuses but no actual reasons.  I did go on a mission for my church, one of my shining moments in my parents eyes.  But more importantly one of the best decisions I have made for myself.  I married later than was appropriate for my home town, I adopted my oldest, who has been a definite blessing to me, then I had my youngest the biological way also a definite blessing in my life.  But then to my mothers dismay had a tubal ligation at 40.  After raising two wonderful children I started my writing career.  After writing my second novel my mothers said I'm glad you finally did something your sister didn't.  What?!

My father passed away not long after that so I helped in the care of my mother.  I then started to work a second job to help with the college bills of my daughter.  She is a wonderful adult, but my mother was angry I couldn't spend more time with her, taking care of her errands.  So again failure.  Now as I struggle with my fourth book.  It's taken me more than eighteen months and I have still not completed it.  Failure.

Every January I go through a self introspection.  I look at what I did last year that I want to change and look forward hoping I can overcome what I have failed at. 

I think that would be true failure.  To sit back and say I can't change anything, I can't do any better. 

I don't happen to think that is true.  I know you should always look for ways to improve.  Look to make your life better.  I am not in control over anyone or anything but myself.  I can make my life better even if circumstances are not in my favor.  I can control my action and reaction.  So as I set goals for the year the only person I need to impress is myself. 


Until next time. 

Inspirations Comes From Anywhere

I know it has been quite awhile since the last time I posted.  I don't even know if anyone is still receiving my posts anymore.  That being said, I want to share some morning inspiration with you. 

A few weeks ago my children ran to the store to buy paper towels.  I don't know if the ones they picked up were chosen on purpose or just by accident.  I don't know why, but saying on the towels hit me this morning.  I have been using them for weeks and now just noticed they sayings they had printed on them.  It reminded me of that show Criminal Minds, or should I say the greetings Derrick says to Penelope.  One of the sayings on the towels said, "Good Morning Beautiful" the other said, "Wake Up and be Amazing". 

What a way to start the morning.  I have been looking for some inspiration for awhile now.  Who knew I would find in on my paper towels.  So thank you to the makers of Sparkle paper towels.  You have made my day.

Go out and make someones day today.

Until next time

Never Enough Time

Most authors that I know have regular lives, and their writing is part of that life. They have publishers and dead lines, manuscript set backs, editing, re-writes. The list goes on and on. My particular set back is time. My life does not leave a lot of time for writing. Its frustrating and mostly annoying. My current project is no exception. My deadlines are self imposed and I hope not to unrealistic. Currently working on finishing by the beginning of June but that could change.

The plot lines for this project are more complex and difficult to pin down than my other three books.

Please bare with me as I work through this process.

I will leave you with this tag line: Can you find a once in a life time love, twice in a life time?

Hoping to have more for you soon.

Until next time

Be Your Best Self

When were you, your best self?  Was it sometime in the past, is it in the present, or do you look forward being better everyday hereafter?   I love this time of year, it reminds me of being a kid.  

When I was a kid I lived in a rural area where they burned the ditches to clean them out so irrigation water could flow freely.  Now when I walk out and smell the same aroma it takes me right back to when I was seven years old.  I look back now and I remember thinking life was pretty great.  I was a quiet kid, even though people who know me now can hardly believe it.  I tried hard everyday to be good and listen to my parents.  You know maybe that was when I was my best self.  

Growing up, I felt the emotional bumps and bruises most people did.  I hated jr. high school, and high school wasn't that much better. I know for sure that wasn't when I was my best self.  I didn't have many friends, I didn't have great grades, my family wasn't really close.  I felt alone, a lot.  Things could have been much better.  

After high school is when I had my first boyfriend, if that's what you could call him.  He was a controlling young man who never felt I was good enough for him.  So no, I really don't think that was my best time.  

I never went to college which I have always regretted.  But  I did use that time to improve myself and hopefully become a better person.  After getting married and raising a family I look back and wonder are my best years behind me?  I always want to be my best self.  I think the trick is to learn from the past and make a bright future.  

Until next time